“Mom, do you know what ‘sexy’ means?”  Asks five-year-old Lilly. 

“Well, I know what sexy is to me, honey.  Sexy can be very different for different people.” 

“What does it mean to you, Mom?”

This was the origination of an engaging and thought-provoking dialogue between my daughter and son, Nathaniel, and I, yesterday morning.  They’d heard a song on the radio stating, “I’m sexy and I know it,” and had some great questions!  (My favorite question of Nathaniel’s was, “what’s ‘passion in my pants’ mean?”)  !!!  Oye!

When I posted part of the conversation on Facebook, I received a few, “So….  What is sexy to you?” questions.  And while my answers, I’m certain, are no more interesting than any of yours, I thought it could be a fun dialogue to bring to the digital table.

This is my initial response:

sitting-transperencyHonesty. That’s number one. Without honesty, it’s almost impossible to sink into one’s body and feel an authentic sexual attraction.  Dishonesty puts the body on edge, which can feel like a “charge” initially but ultimately drains our energy–including our sexual energy.  When a person embodies honesty, and we feel ourselves naturally trusting, so much more of our own essence can come to the surface.

Seeking Balance  People – males and female – who are seeking the balance of their emotional and intellectual bodiespurposefully developing themselves physically and emotionally, who are willing to learn and practice new skills in the face of vulnerability–that’s sexy as hell to me!

IntelligenceBut, not at the expense of relationship;sexymind1
meaning, willing to be curious about another’s perspective and ideas, while continuing to validate one’s own innate knowing.  A favorite quote of mine reads, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”  — Aristotle

Willingness to be challenged, as well as to challenge others, with groundedness, compassion, and humor.

adults-playPlay!! The embodied freedom to get really silly, to risk, to reach out…  We are hardwired to be playful, and many of us forget that as we get older.  When a person knows how to get playful and can attune to the spirited play of another, we learn to release our grasp on the seriousness of life, and simply BE!

Touch – We require loving touch for our very survival.  And those who do it well more than likely were “touched well” in their touch1families of origin, and so know the language innately.  Touch is really our primary language.  It’s how we initially experience love, safety, trust, and attachment to others.  When we know it, we don’t need to depend on the limits of human language, and we are able to express the nuance of emotion that language simply cannot reach.    

An Ability to apologize is, to me, a pathway that helps my body and mind “yield” into trusting another human being–to know that he is self-reflective and humble, that he is willing to love beyond his fear of being wrong and, in so doing, he assures me that I am enough of a priority for him to risk being vulnerable.


Oh, and of course…

A man who knows how to Kiss!  The ability to communicate desire, openness, wanting, lust, playfulness, excitement, curiosity…  a myriad of different intimate emotions through use of mouth, tongue, teeth, lips–speaking this language reflects a deep, innate ability to attach to another person, and to share deep, transformative intimacy.

That was my first hit as I pondered the fantasies of what naturally draws my sexual attention.  And yet there is so much more.

As odd as it may sound, Sexy, to me, is a person who has experienced enough suffering and found the strength to move through it, that he or she can stay present to pain—theirs, mine, or another’s.  Someone who doesn’t disappear—emotionally or physically—at the occurrence of life and all it serves up—who resources their body, mind, and heart because they’ve strengthened each enough to trust their will—that’s sexy!

(Just a note:  I’m generalizing a bit here, for the sake of ease, with hetero-language, even though there are a lot of characteristics that I find sexy in both men and women.  Just a reminder to keep a flexible mind—Ahhh… that’s sexy too!)

Of course I can’t forget Passion:  Passion about SOMETHING—passion-mewhether it be the environment, parenting, travel, astrophysics, the violent sexual habits of the African Bat Bug…  some THING that makes a person’s blood pulse a little more quickly, eyes open just a little wider, and heart reach beyond the familiar.

When we’re passionate, our passion can override fear, at times.  We stretch ourselves into new territory and learn to navigate life and relationships with internal motivation that keeps us wanting, moving, and reaching toward new places and new perspectives.

Those are some of the things that I find Sexy.    How about you?

For the Love of Your Life,